Intimate Drowning

I can’t seem to write or draw — literally, I am probably experiencing the worst artist’s block in history.

I’m really frustrated.

from Shaken by Physics (collection)

When we invented distance, we decided we had fallen.

That the shock of landing had broken us like little rocks.

We did not ask if we had gone too far. Instead,

We invented dimension, hoping it would give meaning to distance.

Time was next, and we realized it was too late to turn back.

Points, you see, had become lines,

And lines turned into walls and damp ditches.

And the frenzied leaves on trees in the wind.

There were surfaces behind surfaces,

Under surfaces, beside surfaces;

Our fingers were drunk with nuances of texture.

When we went walking we found up-and-down in the earth

And to-and-fro upon it. We called this direction.

(Again, claiming we invented it) and equated it with purpose.

And purpose was the fruit we ate,

Planting husks as seeds in every place we passed

Until fragments of cities and beliefs clung to our feet.

We decided our fall had impaled us on each moment

As gloriously as beetles on collector’s pins.

And now we sing our descent; a psalm of how

We have invented everything except the hoarseness of crows

And how we breathe the night 

As the wind sends its gusts through us.

It seems that we speed through life. Occasionally we collide with other people and for a brief moment in our lifetime we’re no longer alone.

Sometimes we lay in silence, our bodies sprawled across the sheets close in proximity.

But my mind speeds far away.

Getting lost in thoughts of love and his intentions; the chemical reactions in our brains ans between the loins, feeding the hope with intimate securities or the mirage of it all. We never know if we can trust ourselves before we can trust others.

They explode with sparks between my eyes and wake soft fizziness in my nostrils while I cradle whatever I can fit between my hands. Somehow it’s like jumping off a cliff while imagining the soft goose feathers in a pillowcase below.

And then I look with wakeful eyes. Absorb the feeling of his fingertips and the clumsy morning murmurs of our breaths. Sometimes I even fumble. The details (taken in) derail my mind as I try to memorize.

***

I listen to my feet when I walk home. In thoughtful haze I sort my leftover feelings. But, it gets dark so quickly. That takes me home where I digest my fears. I sift through memories and file them away for later days.

Some leak unto the paper and cascade through pages like a tidal wave. Others will never be touched with anybody’s gaze.

When we lay 

our heads beside the other

and our ribs fill up with warmth

fingers laced with one another

sweet affection; passion’s coarse

sometimes I think of you

while you’re still near

my ears idle, thoughts are hidden

waiting

to open? 

or to hear?

what hides between your tired eyes.

And passion lies.

it swerves and dwindles

hides

in sheets and pensive heads;

and reeks of neutral solitude 

echoes in indifference, but,

time stands still and when

I steal you from their eyes 

their lives and arms,

to keep in mine.

Somehow, I am allowed

and feel as if I need

to apologize for keeping you,

for my selfishness and for my

greedy skin.

December 19th, 2010.

What I want from you
Is empty your head
They say be true
Don’t stain your bed
We do what we need to be free
And it leans on me
Like a rootless tree

What I want from us
Is empty our minds
We fake a fuss
And fracture the times
We go blind
When we’ve needed to see
And it leans on me
Like a rootless… 

So fuck you, fuck you, fuck you
And all we’ve been through
I said leave it, leave it, leave it
It’s nothing to you
And if you hate me, hate me, hate me
Then hate me so good that you can let me out
Let me out of this hell when you’re around 
Let me out, let me out, 
Let me out of this hell when you’re around
Let me out, let me out 

What I want from this
Is learn to let go
No not of you
Of all that’s been told
Killers reinvent and believe
And this leans on me
Like a rootless…

So fuck you, fuck you, fuck you
And all we’ve been through
I said leave it, leave it, leave it,
It’s nothing to you
And if you hate me, hate me , hate me,
Then hate me so good that you can let me out, let me out, let me out
Let me out of this hell when you’re around


And fuck you, fuck you, fuck you
And all we’ve been through
I said leave it, leave it, leave it
It’s nothing to you
And if you hate me, hate me, hate me
Then hate me so good that you can let me out
Let me out, let me out, let me out, 
Hell when you’re around…(Repeat 4x)

Let me out, let me out, let me out…

It’s hell when you’re around

Sometimes when you get that nagging feeling

at the back of your throat and it

grows deeper into your chest

and sprouts some roots

it twists and consumes your mind

by poisoning your thoughts

it disappears when you need it most

and lies when you need it to stay

it’s fruitless when you’re dying

of thirst or of hunger

it’s called

hope.